Four Shots of Scotch in Russia

Four Shots of Scotch in Russia

You are with Russian and American colleagues in Saint Petersburg, Russia – there are a total of ten people in the room.  It is four in the afternoon.  You are working in a major industrial installation with high voltage cables all around the yard and the buildings.  The Russians have delivered contract paperwork worth tons of money.  There is a one liter bottle of scotch on the table along with shot glasses, plastic cups, bread, and ham.

Two days before, the Russians were in Moscow.  They had a short 30 minute ride to the Moscow Sheremetyevo airport that morning to board a flight for Saint Petersburg.  However, Fred’s boss had insisted that the Russians deliver to him paperwork substantiating the large contract payment.  Thus, the Russians in Moscow had to drive for an extra hour and a half to their company headquarters to retrieve the paperwork.  They had to fight the Moscow traffic and had to rush to get to the airport.  They were frustrated at this extra effort.

So, the Russians told Fred that he had to purchase them some whiskey in compensation for this extra effort.  The final day on the work site had arrived.  Fred and the other Americans walked into the office.

“Good morning,” says Fred.

Fred extends his hands to the Russians.  They do not shake his hand.

Fred is thinking.  Okay, What is going on here?

Boris says, “Where is the whiskey, Fred?”

Fred responds, “Do not worry about it.”

Boris responds, “You do not have the whiskey?”

Fred says, “Maybe – maybe not, but you will get it.”

Fred extends his hand to Boris.  Boris begins to pout and does not shake Fred’s hand. 

Wow, so this Russian will not shake my hand!

Fred says, “You will not shake my hand?”

The Russians remain silent.

Fred says, “It is a big insult to Americans if you do not shake hands!”

Fred thinks.  Man, am I going to have a lot of fun with this today.

Fred then laughs, walks away and begins the work of the day. 

“Hey Bob,” says, Fred, “What do you think we should do with our commie friends – I mean – we can’t let those Russkies get away with not shaking hands this morning!”

Bob and Fred laugh, and plot a little trick to play on the Russians – all in good humor, of course.  They leave for lunch.  They walk through the front gate, and wave to the guard as they turn right on the sidewalk and head toward the café.  They walk for a half-mile, and then have lunch at the café.  After eating, they leave the café and cross the street to shop for whiskey at a food store.  What do they purchase?  They get whiskey, yes, and chocolate, but they also get something else.  They get some Kvass.  This is non-alcoholic beer.  They purchase a large bottle of kvass.  The Americans have plans for this kvass.  Yes, plans. 

They return to the worksite.  They finish the work for the day.  Fred calls in his translator, Alex, and asks if the Russians are ready for the whiskey.   Alex says yes.  So the Americans arrive at the office.  Fred carries the kvass, and Bob carries the whiskey.  Fred enters the room with the kvass, but Bob hides the whiskey in a bag so the Russians cannot see it.

Fred, in a ritualistic fashion, raises up the Kvass, and presents it to the Russians and says, “Here!  Your Kvass!”  Fred places the kvass on the table.

The Russians pause briefly.  Then, they begin smacking their mouths in disappointment, and spitting.  Some of them wave their hands and say, “Eh!” The leader of the Russian group, Gory, sighs deeply in disbelief and runs his hands through his hair and then places his head in his hands.  Gory is thinking to himself.  WTF?!

Fred then bows slightly, and then begins to leave the office.  The Russians are still in disbelief from being presented with non-alcoholic beer instead of scotch.  Fred walks out of the office. 

He waits outside for about a minute or two.  Then, he enters the office again with scotch this time.  He presents the scotch to the Russians in a ritualistic fashion, and says, “Here is your scotch, you Russians!”

Gory - the leader - then sighs a big sigh of relief.  The other Russians begin smiling again in relief.  Fred says, “You cannot refuse to shake hands with an American!”  Everyone laughs.  It was a good joke.

Now we are where we started with the story. 

There is a one liter bottle of scotch on the table along with shot glasses, plastic cups, bread, and ham.

Vladimir takes the bottle of scotch and opens it.  He places shot glasses around the table, along with some plastic cups, since there are not enough shot glasses.  He pours one shot of scotch in each container.  Everyone gathers around the table, takes one of the containers and lifts it in preparation for the shot.

Gory makes the first toast.  He raises his glass and says, “I propose a toast to new friends!”  Everybody kicks back the first shot.

Fred makes the second toast.  He raises his glass and says, “I propose a toast to a new generation of Russians and Americans as business partners and friends!”  Everybody kicks back the second shot.

Fred is thinking.  Is this the end?  Are those Russians going to drink the rest of that bottle tonight?

Vladimir begins pouring the third round.  Fred looks on and pauses.  Oh crap, I have to drink another shot of scotch with the Russians and I have not eaten anything yet since noon!

Everyone takes the third round.  By this time, there is no brain power left for elaborate toasting, and everyone simply lifts their glass and says aloud, “Nastrovia!”

Fred thinks.  Okay, I think I have to pack up and go now.  And then…  Oh crap, Vladimir is pouring the fourth shot!

By this time there are only five guys willing to kick back shot number four.  There is Fred, Bob, Vladimir, Gory, and Alex.  Everyone is getting wobbly and slowly raises their glasses.  They all slur the words, “Nastrovia!”  They kick back shot number four!

So, these five guys have kicked back four shots within less than five minutes!

Fred tries to move to make sure he will not collapse on the floor.  He is not sure.  Crap!  Will I fall down the steps getting out of here?  Are those Russians drunk too?  Fred slowly grabs his bag and slowly makes his way down the steps to the driveway.  Everyone is a little dizzy and wobbly, but tries not to show it.  They are all “tough guys,” you see.

The taxis are waiting.  Fred and Bob take one together.  They throw their bags in the back seat and get in.  Fred is ready for a nap.  He closes his eyes before thinking once more. That was another “WTF?” moment in Russia…

Freddy Martini

Chinese Visitors in Saint Petersburg Russia

Chinese Visitors in Saint Petersburg Russia

***Scatological Content Advisory

Much thanks to my dear friend in Saint Petersburg who gave me this story, and who wishes to remain anonymous.

You work at a hotel in Saint Petersburg, Russia.  You know what you are doing, and you have been doing this for some time.  It is August, and for the last few months, Chinese visitors have booked rooms at the hotel.  You have no idea what they are doing in Saint Petersburg, or even what they are doing in Russia.  Perhaps they are spies for their country – maybe, maybe not.

A Chinese visitor comes to the front desk, and asks you a question in Chinese.  You respond that you do not speak Chinese.  The visitor continues on in Chinese.  You then explain calmly that you can speak and understand either Russian or English, but not Chinese.  So, what does the Chinese visitor do now?  He takes out a sheet of paper and borrows a pen from you.  He then proceeds to write down some Chinese characters on the sheet of paper.  He then shows these Chinese characters to you, and he then tries to explain in Chinese together with these Chinese characters on paper what he is trying to tell you.  You are now exasperated, and repeat that you can only speak Russian or English.

A little later on, two of these Chinese visitors come back to the front desk; one is a man and the other a woman.  They ask where the toilets are.  You motion to your right that the toilets are around the corner.

So, the Chinese man and woman go to the toilets.  A little while later, they come out, and then go on their way.  A half-hour later, you receive a report from a guest that there is a large piece of shit on the floor of the hotel bathroom.  So, you call the janitor to inspect.  The janitor inspects the floor of the toilet, and sure enough, there is a large piece of shit on the floor.  The janitor then inspects the women’s toilet, and there is a large piece of shit on the floor there too!

So, a Chinese man and a Chinese woman go into the hotel toilets and they both shit on the floor!

So, you are telling this story to your American friend, Freddy Martini, in English.

You: “They both make shit on the floor!”

Freddy is laughing uncontrollably at this point.  You are thinking why is he laughing?  Did I say something wrong in English? 

You: “Freddy, did I say something wrong in English?”

Freddy: “No, the story is just so damn funny, and the way you said it in English is hilarious.”

You: “Well, how do I say it?”

Freddy is still laughing at the story.

Freddy: “Give me a piece of paper - I will write this out for you in correct English.”

Freddy takes out his pen and writes out what you told him

“They make shit on the floor.” 

Then he laughs out loud again.  You are thinking WTF is he doing - this crazy American man - Jesus! 

Freddy: “Okay, this is what you said.  This is a very funny story.  The way you said it in English makes it even funnier, but it is perfectly understandable, which makes it that much more funny.”

Freddy then writes the phrase in correct English on the piece of paper:

“They shit on the floor.”

Freddy: “Okay, here is the correct way to say it in English.”

Freddy shows you the piece of paper and then continues to laugh once more at the hilarious story and the hilarious explanation of how to correctly put bad words in to proper English grammar.

Freddy: “You know that ‘shit’ is a bad word in English, right?”

You: “Yes I do, it is also a bad word in Russian, too.”

Freddy, “Yes, the Russian word is ‘govnah,’ right?”

You: “Yes it is.”

Freddy laughs again.  He then gets out his guitar and begins strumming in the hotel lobby, playing Bob Seger’s tune “Turn the Page.”

He is thinking to himself once more, That was another “WTF?” moment in Russia!

Freddy Martini

Dancing with the Hare Krishnas in Saint Petersburg Russia

Dancing with the Hare Krishnas in Saint Petersburg Russia

Situation

You are walking down Nevsky Prospect in Saint Petersburg, Russia.  You visited the Kazan Cathedral, and you are walking along the canal to visit another church called Church of Our Savior on Spilled Blood.  The sun is shining.  It is warm enough to wear a sport jacket, but you often have to take it off because you are walking all day long; when the wind is not blowing, you sweat a little.  You have a couple of guys with you, and a girl tagging along.  They are all Americans except the girl.  You took a short 15 minute taxi ride from the hotel to near Arts Square.  You desire to bathe in the beauty of Saint Petersburg for an afternoon: beautiful buildings and beautiful ladies.  Eventually, you see something you had not expected: a group of chanting and dancing Hare Krishnas.

Atmosphere

Looking out the window of a third floor café as you eat lunch across from the Kazan Cathedral, you can see the tourists with their cameras on their chests held secure with a neck strap; they wear casual clothes – often with shorts, and usually ill-fitting.  The natives, however, are well-dressed.  The ladies of Saint Petersburg are always well-dressed, and they know how to swing their hips be they wearing black pants or short skirts one to two inches above the knees.  Females here look most charming wearing a one-piece outfit with matching high heels; it drapes over their well sculpted bodies and gently bounces with the staccato movements of their walking with a grace only the beauty of Slavic girls can pull off.

Journey

After seeing Kazan Cathedral, you cross the street Nevsky Prospect, take an immediate right on the sidewalk and then go across the Griboyedova Canal, and then hang an immediate left on Griboyedova Canal Drive.  So, you pass several buildings.  Tour boats pass in the canal to your left.  The people in the boats wave to you and you wave back.  You get to a street whereby if you turn right, it takes you to Arts Square. 

Taking a Closer Look

You look past this intersection, and you see a group of people – perhaps 50 or so – singing and chanting, and holding up a blue sign in Russian displaying what the words to the chant are.  Some are holding pink pennants, and other orange ones.  The men are dressed in robes.  Some wear scarves on the robes and others have tee-shirts.  The women are all wearing long dresses that reach almost to the floor.  The women and men are in separate groups.  They dance separate dances, but to the same music.  A few people are playing drums.  The chant is repeated indefinitely.  Tourists stare on in a large crown about equal or slightly less than the group of Hare Krishnas.  People are taking pictures and video footage.

May I have this Dance?

Freddy is looking at the spectacle in amazement.  Freddy looks at Robert and laughs.  Robert laughs in return. 

Robert smirks, and says, “Hey, why don’t we go join them?”

Freddy thinks for a moment and responds, “Not today.”

Robert challenges, “Hey, you know, live dangerously – let’s go dance with them.”

Freddy declines.

Robert says, “Well, I think I will go and dance with them.”

Jack is already to the front of the Krishnas with his high quality camera ready.  Robert and Freddy are standing to their left near the group of men dancers.

Freddy thinks to himself.  Robert will not do it.  I cannot believe that he will do it.  Then…Oh crap, there he goes.  He is doing it! 

Robert easily saunters right next to the male dancers of Krishnas and begins moving in sync with them.  They look at him, smile and continue dancing.  Freddy looks on the crowd and sees a few Russian women and tourists giggling at Robert’s stunt of joining in the dance. 

Freddy moves to the front of the Krishna group toward Jack to ensure that Jack is catching this with his camera.  Freddy is laughing hard.  Robert is moving his legs and torso in sync with the Krishna men.  He even puts his hands in the air as he moved to the rhythm of the beat.  Freddy cannot stop laughing.  Russians and tourists are giggling. 

Robert then eases out of the dance and joins Freddy and Jack toward the front of the group for one last look at the Krishnas.  Jack takes a few more photographs and then they are off to the Church of Our Savior on Spilled Blood.

All three travelers are thinking the same thought silently.  Wow, that was another “WTF” moment in Russia.

Crazy Eyes in Saint Petersburg Russia

Crazy Eyes in Saint Petersburg

A Tale from Russia

Freddy, Vladimir, and Rick were seated at the restaurant in Saint Petersburg, Russia.  Vladimir and Freddy sat on one side, and Rick sat across from them.  The meal was finished; they paid the bill, and left the customary 10% tip for the waitress.  Rick decided that he wanted to return to his room, so he bid Freddy and Vladimir goodbye, and left.

Freddy then gulped down the last few drops of vodka from his shot glass and looked up.  What the hell?

A woman walked up to where Rick sat across from Freddy and Vladimir, and sat down.  She executed the sitting motion as if she were expected for a business lunch.  Freddy looked at Vladimir to gauge his reaction. 

Uh, is this some colleague of Vladimir’s or some business lady he knows?  Freddy was thinking.

Vladimir looked back at Freddy and thought Oh, hell, what has Freddy done now? Is this his secret girlfriend or something?

“Is this your mistress?” Vladimir asked, and then laughed. 

Freddy responded in a slight whisper, “Nah,” and quickly nodded his head “no.”

Freddy looked into the woman’s eyes, and saw that crazy look he recalled when he lived near an insane asylum in his younger days in California.  She appeared as if she were ready to break some news to Freddy.

Freddy was thinking, oh, crap, I bet she thinks I unceremoniously dumped her daughter or something.  Maybe I look just like her daughter’s boyfriend.  Just wait for it.  Here comes some tear-jerking story followed by wild accusations.  Here it comes…

“I have seen you - I have watched you,” the woman says to Freddy.

“You are a strong man – a very strong man,” she continues.

Freddy and Vladimir are now staring at this woman with puzzlement and disbelief.

What the freaking hell is happening here?

She continues talking to Freddy, “And you are a good man.”

Freddy replies, “Good for what?”

She responds, “For love.”

Huh?  Is she a prostitute on the prowl?  No, she can’t be – she is not good-looking enough to be a prostitute. 

“How do you know I am not an evil man?” asks Freddy

“You are,” she responds.

“How do you know?”

“I can feel it.”

“You can feel it?”

“Yes.”

Freddy gets a bit irritated by the mysterious con-man approach, and goes direct, “Okay, who are you, where are you from, and what do you want?”

“I am Olga,” she says. 

There is a strip club connected to this hotel and restaurant, so Freddy thought he would lie-test her a bit.  The strip club would be directly behind her from where she sat.

“Do you work at that place 500 meters behind you?” Freddy asked, indicating the strip club location.

She quickly responded, “Yes.”

Freddy looked in her eyes, and saw a fake confirmation along with that crazy look again.  She is full of crap.  She obviously does not have the body of a stripper, and she is faking the facial expression.  Her expressions may fool an amateur, though.

“Where are you from?”  Freddy asks.

“I am from [unrecognizable gibberish],” she says.

“Where?” Freddy repeats

“I am from [unrecognizable gibberish],” she says.

She adds, “It is very far away.”

“Far away?” Freddy asks.

“Very, very far away,” she replies.

Freddy takes a closer look at her face and other features like skin tone and race indicators.  She is definitely Eastern European, not Asiatic, and she cannot be from far away.  She is probably Russian.  Maybe middle or Southern Russian, but Russian nonetheless.

“You are not from far away from here,” Freddy says, “You are from somewhere close to here.”

“How do you know?”  She pleads.

“I know,” Freddy says bluntly.

“I am from New York,” she says confidently.

“New York?”

“Yes, I am from New York.”

“You were in New York,” she says, “I have seen you.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, many times.”

Freddy contradicts, “I only fly into and out of New York.”

“I am from New York,” she tries once more.

“No, you are not from New York,” Freddy retorts.

“Okay, what do you want?” Freddy asks.

“Can you get me a cup of coffee?” she asks.

“Where do you work?” Freddy asks.

“I am homeless,” she responds.

“Oh, yeah, homelessness is a problem over here,” says Vladimir.

Freddy looks at Vladimir, and nods.  Vladimir nods in return.

“Let’s go,” Vladimir says.

“Ok,” replies Freddy.

Freddy grabs the tip for the waitresses for his bill, walks to the cash register and gives the tip and bill holder to the girl at the register.  Freddy notices that Rick’s tip is still sitting on the table directly in front of the crazy eyes woman.  Freddy quickly walks toward the table and says “eezveeetyeh (excuse me)” and grabs Rick’s tip and bill holder from in from the crazy woman.  Freddy brings this to the girls and specifically instructs the girl at the register to give this to Alena – the girl who served as waitress that evening.

Freddy and Vladimir go to their respective rooms at the hotel adjoining the restaurant.  Freddy picks up the phone receiver and dials Rick’s number.

“Rick?”

“Yeah, what’s up, Freddy”

“Dude, you are never gonna believe this.  I have another “WTF?” story for you.  Something really crazy just happened downstairs at the restaurant,” says Freddy.

“Oh, no, - what now?” say Rick.

Freddy begins telling the story.

“Aw… you gotta be messing with me,” says Rick.

“No, man, I swear dude - no freaking joke,” replies Freddy.

Freddy tells Rick the tale, and they both laugh, and then hang up the phone after chatting for about 3 minutes.

After some time, Freddy wonders what will happen downstairs in the restaurant.  Curiosity gets the best of him.  He grabs his wallet, and the hotel key, and races to the elevator.  He gets onto the elevator and presses the “1” key for the ground floor – his room was on the seventh floor of the hotel.  He rides, then exits the elevator and makes his way to the restaurant entrance.  He looks right - toward the bar - and sees some of the girls.  He walks further into the restaurant and looks left to where he and his colleagues sat a few minutes before.  She is still sitting there.  Freddy goes up to one of the girls – Alena – and asks for “voda mineralne bess-gaza (still water).”  As Alena gets the water, Freddy looks back at the crazy woman sitting down.  She stares straight ahead, not moving her head left or right.

Freddy then walks out of the restaurant, thinking Wow - another “WTF?” moment in Russia.

Freddy Martini