Crazy Eyes in Saint Petersburg Russia

Crazy Eyes in Saint Petersburg

A Tale from Russia

Freddy, Vladimir, and Rick were seated at the restaurant in Saint Petersburg, Russia.  Vladimir and Freddy sat on one side, and Rick sat across from them.  The meal was finished; they paid the bill, and left the customary 10% tip for the waitress.  Rick decided that he wanted to return to his room, so he bid Freddy and Vladimir goodbye, and left.

Freddy then gulped down the last few drops of vodka from his shot glass and looked up.  What the hell?

A woman walked up to where Rick sat across from Freddy and Vladimir, and sat down.  She executed the sitting motion as if she were expected for a business lunch.  Freddy looked at Vladimir to gauge his reaction. 

Uh, is this some colleague of Vladimir’s or some business lady he knows?  Freddy was thinking.

Vladimir looked back at Freddy and thought Oh, hell, what has Freddy done now? Is this his secret girlfriend or something?

“Is this your mistress?” Vladimir asked, and then laughed. 

Freddy responded in a slight whisper, “Nah,” and quickly nodded his head “no.”

Freddy looked into the woman’s eyes, and saw that crazy look he recalled when he lived near an insane asylum in his younger days in California.  She appeared as if she were ready to break some news to Freddy.

Freddy was thinking, oh, crap, I bet she thinks I unceremoniously dumped her daughter or something.  Maybe I look just like her daughter’s boyfriend.  Just wait for it.  Here comes some tear-jerking story followed by wild accusations.  Here it comes…

“I have seen you - I have watched you,” the woman says to Freddy.

“You are a strong man – a very strong man,” she continues.

Freddy and Vladimir are now staring at this woman with puzzlement and disbelief.

What the freaking hell is happening here?

She continues talking to Freddy, “And you are a good man.”

Freddy replies, “Good for what?”

She responds, “For love.”

Huh?  Is she a prostitute on the prowl?  No, she can’t be – she is not good-looking enough to be a prostitute. 

“How do you know I am not an evil man?” asks Freddy

“You are,” she responds.

“How do you know?”

“I can feel it.”

“You can feel it?”

“Yes.”

Freddy gets a bit irritated by the mysterious con-man approach, and goes direct, “Okay, who are you, where are you from, and what do you want?”

“I am Olga,” she says. 

There is a strip club connected to this hotel and restaurant, so Freddy thought he would lie-test her a bit.  The strip club would be directly behind her from where she sat.

“Do you work at that place 500 meters behind you?” Freddy asked, indicating the strip club location.

She quickly responded, “Yes.”

Freddy looked in her eyes, and saw a fake confirmation along with that crazy look again.  She is full of crap.  She obviously does not have the body of a stripper, and she is faking the facial expression.  Her expressions may fool an amateur, though.

“Where are you from?”  Freddy asks.

“I am from [unrecognizable gibberish],” she says.

“Where?” Freddy repeats

“I am from [unrecognizable gibberish],” she says.

She adds, “It is very far away.”

“Far away?” Freddy asks.

“Very, very far away,” she replies.

Freddy takes a closer look at her face and other features like skin tone and race indicators.  She is definitely Eastern European, not Asiatic, and she cannot be from far away.  She is probably Russian.  Maybe middle or Southern Russian, but Russian nonetheless.

“You are not from far away from here,” Freddy says, “You are from somewhere close to here.”

“How do you know?”  She pleads.

“I know,” Freddy says bluntly.

“I am from New York,” she says confidently.

“New York?”

“Yes, I am from New York.”

“You were in New York,” she says, “I have seen you.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, many times.”

Freddy contradicts, “I only fly into and out of New York.”

“I am from New York,” she tries once more.

“No, you are not from New York,” Freddy retorts.

“Okay, what do you want?” Freddy asks.

“Can you get me a cup of coffee?” she asks.

“Where do you work?” Freddy asks.

“I am homeless,” she responds.

“Oh, yeah, homelessness is a problem over here,” says Vladimir.

Freddy looks at Vladimir, and nods.  Vladimir nods in return.

“Let’s go,” Vladimir says.

“Ok,” replies Freddy.

Freddy grabs the tip for the waitresses for his bill, walks to the cash register and gives the tip and bill holder to the girl at the register.  Freddy notices that Rick’s tip is still sitting on the table directly in front of the crazy eyes woman.  Freddy quickly walks toward the table and says “eezveeetyeh (excuse me)” and grabs Rick’s tip and bill holder from in from the crazy woman.  Freddy brings this to the girls and specifically instructs the girl at the register to give this to Alena – the girl who served as waitress that evening.

Freddy and Vladimir go to their respective rooms at the hotel adjoining the restaurant.  Freddy picks up the phone receiver and dials Rick’s number.

“Rick?”

“Yeah, what’s up, Freddy”

“Dude, you are never gonna believe this.  I have another “WTF?” story for you.  Something really crazy just happened downstairs at the restaurant,” says Freddy.

“Oh, no, - what now?” say Rick.

Freddy begins telling the story.

“Aw… you gotta be messing with me,” says Rick.

“No, man, I swear dude - no freaking joke,” replies Freddy.

Freddy tells Rick the tale, and they both laugh, and then hang up the phone after chatting for about 3 minutes.

After some time, Freddy wonders what will happen downstairs in the restaurant.  Curiosity gets the best of him.  He grabs his wallet, and the hotel key, and races to the elevator.  He gets onto the elevator and presses the “1” key for the ground floor – his room was on the seventh floor of the hotel.  He rides, then exits the elevator and makes his way to the restaurant entrance.  He looks right - toward the bar - and sees some of the girls.  He walks further into the restaurant and looks left to where he and his colleagues sat a few minutes before.  She is still sitting there.  Freddy goes up to one of the girls – Alena – and asks for “voda mineralne bess-gaza (still water).”  As Alena gets the water, Freddy looks back at the crazy woman sitting down.  She stares straight ahead, not moving her head left or right.

Freddy then walks out of the restaurant, thinking Wow - another “WTF?” moment in Russia.

Freddy Martini