Paying off Police in Russia

Paying off Police in Russia

Let’s go for a true international adventure.  Let’s get in trouble with the Russian police!  You think I am joking?  I swear - I was in the car at least two times that I can remember where the driver was forced to pay a bribe. 

I personally was never the driver, but I was right there in the middle of the story.  (No, you cannot say I ever paid a bribe.)  And of course, most policemen in any country are probably honest folks out to make their world a better place, but some of those guys are some crazy cats...  Well, here goes…

You are riding along in a car with your Russian friends, and perhaps a few friends of other nationalities – other Americans, perhaps.  The traffic is heavy.  You are traveling about 30 miles per hour.  You can see a police officer about 300 feet in front of you.  He has on a Russian police hat.  The policeman holds a black baton in his right hand, and he is alternately grasping it with his left hand.  Grasp.  Let go.  Grasp.  Let go.  He performs this ritual similarly to the way some animals rub their hands together before a tasty meal of fresh meat.

You drive closer to where the officer is standing.  At about 100 feet, the officer begins to eye you strongly.  He is stares right at you - eye to eye.  Your heart sinks, and you know something is about to happen.  He points his baton at your car in an instant and then signals you to pull over immediately to the left.  He blows a whistle at the same time, too.  In the staging area, he has pulled over four other cars in the same spot – yes, four other cars. 

What day is it?  It is Monday.  What do Russians do on Sunday evenings?  Russians drink.  It is true.  Russians are professional drinkers, and it is not wise to try to keep up with them unless you have at least 50% Slavic blood in you.  Just sayin’.

The driving law in Russia for getting a DUI (drunk driving charge) is to have any amount of alcohol on your breath using the breathalyzer test.  In the United States, the blood-alcohol level is somewhere around 0.1 or 0.08 to qualify as legally drunk while driving.  In Russia, any level above zero qualifies as drunk if one is driving.

What happens if you are charged with a DUI in Russia?  You can get your driver license suspended for two years.  Think about that.  If every Russian driving were stopped on Monday morning and tested for DUI, there would be no Russian drivers left on the streets!  So, what happens in this situation?  You got it.  The police can extract tons of cash from this little dirty law.  The policemen can then pay for prostitutes, drugs, mistresses, and vodka on their small salaries.

So, if you are a guy with a regular job on a regular salary, and you have to drive ten miles to get to work every morning, what do you do on Monday morning when the police pull you over and have you blow into the breathalyzer and say your blood-alcohol level is 0.03?  In the United States, nothing would happen to you since a level of 0.03 is nothing at all – you can take cough medicine and get these low level measurements. 

But, in Russia, the letter of the law says that any blood alcohol level above zero makes you in violation.

Okay, let’s get back to the story - so, you are sitting in your car in the staging area after the policeman pulls you over.  You open your trunk and grab your identification documents and the car registration.  You walk toward the police car, and you get inside on the passenger side.  You ask the policeman what is the problem.  He says that there is “something funny” about your car, but he says nothing else.  He pretends to inspect the documents for some time.  So, you get out of your car and walk around to get some fresh air.  The policeman signals you to return to the passenger side of the police car.  You sit and ask again, “What is the problem?”  He replies that you seem strange this morning, and he thinks you have been drinking.  You reply that you had one beer last night around 8PM.  He instructs you to blow into the breathalyzer.  You blow.  The meter reads 0.03.  The policeman says that you are too drunk to drive. 

So, what do you do?  If you admit to the charge officially, you lose your license for two years.  Now, if you are a regular guy with a job, what are your options?  The officer says that you can get a measurement confirmation at a local hospital.  But, the officer says that a lot of guys get very nervous in the hospital, and break down and eventually admit to drinking and driving before getting to the hospital test.  So, you are screwed when the cop asks you for 50,000 rubles (~$1600).  Of course, this is the first asking price of the negotiation, and, like any negotiation, the first price is not the final price. 

So, you come back to your own car and discuss this with your friends.  Just in case the cop is crazy, you plan for the worst and ask how much money everyone in the car has.  You talk about previous cases of bribery and figure out that the final bribe will be about 10,000 rubles (~$312).  You return to the cop car and state that if you were really drunk, the officer would not even let you back on the street.  The officer plays around and eventually lowers the asking price to 25, 000 rubles (~$780).  This, of course is not the final price, since the officer really wants this bribe for paying to visit his prostitute Olga tonight, and he does not really want to take your license away, because you would no longer be a candidate for the next bribe!  You should never screw over a paying customer!  You ask the cop if he would blow into the breathalyzer himself.  The cop smirks and mentions that it would not be hygienic for him to place his own mouth on the machine since it may contain germs and he cannot miss a day’s work because his job is so important to public safety.  Nice try…

You return to your car for the final strategy.  You get 11,000 rubles (~$340) in cash in your hand.  You ensure you have back-up cash in case the officer does not want to negotiate.  You get out of your car, and approach the cop car.  You tell him that among all the people in the car, all you have is 11, 000 rubles, and the final offer on the bribe is 10, 000 rubles.  The cop places his hand to his chin and rubs it as if considering the offer deeply.  He looks at you, and then looks forward at the traffic, again rubbing his chin.  He looks at you again, and says “okay.”  He takes the bribe.  But, wait - do you ask for a receipt so that you can enter it into your business expense report?  Of course, you do not – you are not that stupid! 

You then walk back to your car cursing that you just got ripped off for 10, 000 rubles (~$312).  Oh, and you are 45 minutes late getting to your business meeting.

The Russian cop is back in his car counting the money.  He slowly slides the cash into his left front pocket.  Of course, you did not see the flask of Jack Daniels he had in the console.  The cop takes a shot of whiskey (50 milliliters!).  He thinks about his whore Olga.  She is a bit fat, but she is cheap.  He can see her tonight after work.  He just has to make some excuse to his wife about having to work late tonight on a tough case of Chechen mafia gangsters trying to steal Russian BMW’s and taking them for a drunken joyride before crashing them in to the ditch and making a run across the border before the cops catch them. 

That story works every time.

Freddy Martini