Chinese Visitors in Saint Petersburg Russia

Chinese Visitors in Saint Petersburg Russia

***Scatological Content Advisory

Much thanks to my dear friend in Saint Petersburg who gave me this story, and who wishes to remain anonymous.

You work at a hotel in Saint Petersburg, Russia.  You know what you are doing, and you have been doing this for some time.  It is August, and for the last few months, Chinese visitors have booked rooms at the hotel.  You have no idea what they are doing in Saint Petersburg, or even what they are doing in Russia.  Perhaps they are spies for their country – maybe, maybe not.

A Chinese visitor comes to the front desk, and asks you a question in Chinese.  You respond that you do not speak Chinese.  The visitor continues on in Chinese.  You then explain calmly that you can speak and understand either Russian or English, but not Chinese.  So, what does the Chinese visitor do now?  He takes out a sheet of paper and borrows a pen from you.  He then proceeds to write down some Chinese characters on the sheet of paper.  He then shows these Chinese characters to you, and he then tries to explain in Chinese together with these Chinese characters on paper what he is trying to tell you.  You are now exasperated, and repeat that you can only speak Russian or English.

A little later on, two of these Chinese visitors come back to the front desk; one is a man and the other a woman.  They ask where the toilets are.  You motion to your right that the toilets are around the corner.

So, the Chinese man and woman go to the toilets.  A little while later, they come out, and then go on their way.  A half-hour later, you receive a report from a guest that there is a large piece of shit on the floor of the hotel bathroom.  So, you call the janitor to inspect.  The janitor inspects the floor of the toilet, and sure enough, there is a large piece of shit on the floor.  The janitor then inspects the women’s toilet, and there is a large piece of shit on the floor there too!

So, a Chinese man and a Chinese woman go into the hotel toilets and they both shit on the floor!

So, you are telling this story to your American friend, Freddy Martini, in English.

You: “They both make shit on the floor!”

Freddy is laughing uncontrollably at this point.  You are thinking why is he laughing?  Did I say something wrong in English? 

You: “Freddy, did I say something wrong in English?”

Freddy: “No, the story is just so damn funny, and the way you said it in English is hilarious.”

You: “Well, how do I say it?”

Freddy is still laughing at the story.

Freddy: “Give me a piece of paper - I will write this out for you in correct English.”

Freddy takes out his pen and writes out what you told him

“They make shit on the floor.” 

Then he laughs out loud again.  You are thinking WTF is he doing - this crazy American man - Jesus! 

Freddy: “Okay, this is what you said.  This is a very funny story.  The way you said it in English makes it even funnier, but it is perfectly understandable, which makes it that much more funny.”

Freddy then writes the phrase in correct English on the piece of paper:

“They shit on the floor.”

Freddy: “Okay, here is the correct way to say it in English.”

Freddy shows you the piece of paper and then continues to laugh once more at the hilarious story and the hilarious explanation of how to correctly put bad words in to proper English grammar.

Freddy: “You know that ‘shit’ is a bad word in English, right?”

You: “Yes I do, it is also a bad word in Russian, too.”

Freddy, “Yes, the Russian word is ‘govnah,’ right?”

You: “Yes it is.”

Freddy laughs again.  He then gets out his guitar and begins strumming in the hotel lobby, playing Bob Seger’s tune “Turn the Page.”

He is thinking to himself once more, That was another “WTF?” moment in Russia!

Freddy Martini