Four Shots of Scotch in Russia

Four Shots of Scotch in Russia

You are with Russian and American colleagues in Saint Petersburg, Russia – there are a total of ten people in the room.  It is four in the afternoon.  You are working in a major industrial installation with high voltage cables all around the yard and the buildings.  The Russians have delivered contract paperwork worth tons of money.  There is a one liter bottle of scotch on the table along with shot glasses, plastic cups, bread, and ham.

Two days before, the Russians were in Moscow.  They had a short 30 minute ride to the Moscow Sheremetyevo airport that morning to board a flight for Saint Petersburg.  However, Fred’s boss had insisted that the Russians deliver to him paperwork substantiating the large contract payment.  Thus, the Russians in Moscow had to drive for an extra hour and a half to their company headquarters to retrieve the paperwork.  They had to fight the Moscow traffic and had to rush to get to the airport.  They were frustrated at this extra effort.

So, the Russians told Fred that he had to purchase them some whiskey in compensation for this extra effort.  The final day on the work site had arrived.  Fred and the other Americans walked into the office.

“Good morning,” says Fred.

Fred extends his hands to the Russians.  They do not shake his hand.

Fred is thinking.  Okay, What is going on here?

Boris says, “Where is the whiskey, Fred?”

Fred responds, “Do not worry about it.”

Boris responds, “You do not have the whiskey?”

Fred says, “Maybe – maybe not, but you will get it.”

Fred extends his hand to Boris.  Boris begins to pout and does not shake Fred’s hand. 

Wow, so this Russian will not shake my hand!

Fred says, “You will not shake my hand?”

The Russians remain silent.

Fred says, “It is a big insult to Americans if you do not shake hands!”

Fred thinks.  Man, am I going to have a lot of fun with this today.

Fred then laughs, walks away and begins the work of the day. 

“Hey Bob,” says, Fred, “What do you think we should do with our commie friends – I mean – we can’t let those Russkies get away with not shaking hands this morning!”

Bob and Fred laugh, and plot a little trick to play on the Russians – all in good humor, of course.  They leave for lunch.  They walk through the front gate, and wave to the guard as they turn right on the sidewalk and head toward the café.  They walk for a half-mile, and then have lunch at the café.  After eating, they leave the café and cross the street to shop for whiskey at a food store.  What do they purchase?  They get whiskey, yes, and chocolate, but they also get something else.  They get some Kvass.  This is non-alcoholic beer.  They purchase a large bottle of kvass.  The Americans have plans for this kvass.  Yes, plans. 

They return to the worksite.  They finish the work for the day.  Fred calls in his translator, Alex, and asks if the Russians are ready for the whiskey.   Alex says yes.  So the Americans arrive at the office.  Fred carries the kvass, and Bob carries the whiskey.  Fred enters the room with the kvass, but Bob hides the whiskey in a bag so the Russians cannot see it.

Fred, in a ritualistic fashion, raises up the Kvass, and presents it to the Russians and says, “Here!  Your Kvass!”  Fred places the kvass on the table.

The Russians pause briefly.  Then, they begin smacking their mouths in disappointment, and spitting.  Some of them wave their hands and say, “Eh!” The leader of the Russian group, Gory, sighs deeply in disbelief and runs his hands through his hair and then places his head in his hands.  Gory is thinking to himself.  WTF?!

Fred then bows slightly, and then begins to leave the office.  The Russians are still in disbelief from being presented with non-alcoholic beer instead of scotch.  Fred walks out of the office. 

He waits outside for about a minute or two.  Then, he enters the office again with scotch this time.  He presents the scotch to the Russians in a ritualistic fashion, and says, “Here is your scotch, you Russians!”

Gory - the leader - then sighs a big sigh of relief.  The other Russians begin smiling again in relief.  Fred says, “You cannot refuse to shake hands with an American!”  Everyone laughs.  It was a good joke.

Now we are where we started with the story. 

There is a one liter bottle of scotch on the table along with shot glasses, plastic cups, bread, and ham.

Vladimir takes the bottle of scotch and opens it.  He places shot glasses around the table, along with some plastic cups, since there are not enough shot glasses.  He pours one shot of scotch in each container.  Everyone gathers around the table, takes one of the containers and lifts it in preparation for the shot.

Gory makes the first toast.  He raises his glass and says, “I propose a toast to new friends!”  Everybody kicks back the first shot.

Fred makes the second toast.  He raises his glass and says, “I propose a toast to a new generation of Russians and Americans as business partners and friends!”  Everybody kicks back the second shot.

Fred is thinking.  Is this the end?  Are those Russians going to drink the rest of that bottle tonight?

Vladimir begins pouring the third round.  Fred looks on and pauses.  Oh crap, I have to drink another shot of scotch with the Russians and I have not eaten anything yet since noon!

Everyone takes the third round.  By this time, there is no brain power left for elaborate toasting, and everyone simply lifts their glass and says aloud, “Nastrovia!”

Fred thinks.  Okay, I think I have to pack up and go now.  And then…  Oh crap, Vladimir is pouring the fourth shot!

By this time there are only five guys willing to kick back shot number four.  There is Fred, Bob, Vladimir, Gory, and Alex.  Everyone is getting wobbly and slowly raises their glasses.  They all slur the words, “Nastrovia!”  They kick back shot number four!

So, these five guys have kicked back four shots within less than five minutes!

Fred tries to move to make sure he will not collapse on the floor.  He is not sure.  Crap!  Will I fall down the steps getting out of here?  Are those Russians drunk too?  Fred slowly grabs his bag and slowly makes his way down the steps to the driveway.  Everyone is a little dizzy and wobbly, but tries not to show it.  They are all “tough guys,” you see.

The taxis are waiting.  Fred and Bob take one together.  They throw their bags in the back seat and get in.  Fred is ready for a nap.  He closes his eyes before thinking once more. That was another “WTF?” moment in Russia…

Freddy Martini